Friday, 14 March 2003, 3.12 PM
The Chamber opens

All his life Harry has felt different. This term at Hogwarts, he learns the truth... Harry Potter is actually a woman. Or more precisely, Dawn French, in the French and Saunders adaptation of Harry Potter for Comic Relief Night.

Seated beside Dawn French in the Ford Anglia is loyal Ron, played by Jennifer Saunders ("All he has to do is gurn.") and Miranda Richardson toffees it up as Hermione 'I'm telling' Granger.

"Originally I was going to be Hermione," says Jennifer, "but then we found a real actor who could do it much better."

Keep watching Comic Relief night on BBC ONE because in part two, a Quidditch spectacular with Alex Ferns (EastEnders' mad, but now slightly charred, Trevor Morgan).

Meet the staff
To make the perfect faculty take a scheming Jeremy Irons and a shrill Alison Steadman as Professors Snape and McGonagall. Add to the cauldron a few drops of Nigel Planer soberly playing Dumbledore (and wearing the very same wig used by Richard Harris in the films).

Stand back at arms length and drop in a terrifying appearance by Basil Brush and a gigantic Ronnie Corbett as Hagrid.

Leave for twenty minutes and serve exclusively on Red Nose Day.

Nine-year high

The single in the sky

The Chamber opens